Is a Chippendales Vacuum Cleaner better than an Oreck or Dyson?

Dear Sara,

I am your #1 Fan and also love your girlfriends. I live in the Miami area and would love to be your servant. Can I drive you and your girlfriends around when you go out. I have a large SUV which will comfortably seat 4 of you. But I realize as a chauffeur no one should sit in the front while I drive. The rear seat will fit 3. You and 2 of your beautiful girlfriends. I add it is a leather interior. That way you can drink as much as you want without worrying about driving as I chauffeur you from club to club. The only thing I ask is may I wear a Chippendales outfit while I squire you around. I have a Chippendales quality body and work out nearly every day.

I also beg to be your servant in other ways. May I vacuum your apartment and your girlfriends apartments while I wear my Chippendales attire. I do not ask for any sexual favors or payments. I love to vacuum and I am expert at making perfect lines on the carpet with a vacuum.

I do not have a lot of money and can not serve you or your girlfriends financially, but I would love to be your Chippendales chauffeur and vacuum cleaner.

Al



I am too speechless to respond to my Chippendales vacuum cleaner except to request a pic of his 'Chippendales quality body', but I have forwarded his email to my gf's so they can ROFLAO.

BE A PORN STAR!!! or let some myspace jerk wank to you for free

Sara,

Think you have what it takes to be a porn star? We do! Start making thousands every week! I have been in the adult talent industry for now 8 years! I am right now looking for 10 fresh girls to bring into the adult modeling world. Unlike most modeling offers this one is real - you dont have to pay any start up fees or pay for your portfolio photos.

It is ADULT work. If chosen you will become one of 2009's Halo Models. You will be featured in adult videos and magazines, travel to places like Miami, LA, and New York! You will spend 1-2 weeks at a time working each week bringing in anywhere from 3-6 thousand dollars! We also have ways of you making a extra income while you are home and not with us working!

If this is something you are interested in then jump on it! Respond with some information about yourself, some modeling photos (include nudes) and why you think you would be a good asset to the adult industry! Send a contact number and email address so that we have a way of contacting you. Everything is safe and discreet! Hope to hear back from you soon!

Ya, I'll be jumping right on it. Sounds like a faux modeling agency / porn producer / escort service or someone looking for free wank-off photos or phonesex while you chat about what porn you will or won't do.

RING RING: This is Jazz from Halo Models and I'm calling to do our phone interview to see if you have what it takes to be a porn star. Love your pics babe! You've got a hot bod! Let's get right down to it. Will you take it in the ass? (wank wank wank)

And the only Halo Models I could find was in Atlanta and doesn't do adult, they're a legit fashion agency. So obviously the name is being misappropriated for nefarious purposes.

Pole Dancing with the Stars

It all started with my nightmare of 'Mas or No Mas' (Deal or No Deal) see below. Nicole and I began discussing joke ideas for reality shows. Then Nicole came up with an idea that actually seemed intriguing and in the realm of possibility....

"Pole Dancing with the Stars" where strippers teach and coach celeb-u-sluts in stripping and pole dancing routines which the celeb-u-sluts must perform in front of celebrity judges. Of course, one celeb-u-slut stripper is eliminated weekly till the winner pole dances her way to stripper stardom.

The pitch is simple: What guys wouldn't want to watch celeb-u-sluts and strippers in skimpy outfits stripping and pole dancing? And from what Nicole and I have read, reality tv shows look for ho's and low's (low budgets). So we'll see if Nicole can research and find a production company that might be interested in doing a pilot episode. Of course, Nicole has to be one of the strippers.

Cruise

Taylor got laid off from the cruise line, she was fully expecting to get laid off, and was merely waiting for the sword to drop. So now she's back to her old job, bartending. Back when she was in school, she did a few summer cruises as a bartender hoping to make some extra cash for school, she didn't make that much since the cruise line didn't pay service staff well and she found most cruisers to be shitty tippers. Then she ended up getting hired by the same cruise line after graduation to play in their marketing department. Now Taylor's working it, pool whoring, running ads online for Sugar Daddies. She tried to hook back up with her former Sugar Daddy, but it didn't pan out. So now she's behind the bar and grinding the blender.

Unfortunately, she's operating under the same urban legend that Nicole is....someone will just walk into the club, see her and fall in love. The rescue fantasy lives. Because there is proof that is it happened in SoFlo, Proof #1: Matt Damon married that Luciana chick, who was a barmaid at Crobar (big tourist-y hotspot club). And now George Clooney is squiring around a cocktail waitress from another Miami club... When my mother reported that she read that in some gossip rag, she emailed 'sigh, if it only could have been me!!!' meaning her... or me? I wasn't sure. I know she has a huge crush on the early Mel Gibson and vintage George Clooney. But my gaydar goes off whenever I see Matt Damon, and always goes cuckoo for Clooney-puffs. Clooney's cocktail waitress, Lucy (hmmm I see a name similarity), is also a model!!! Duh, aren't we all??? Every cocktail waitress in Miami is also a model... in their own mind or on their Myspace or they do 'parties', car and boat shows, I mean that's what it's like to be a model in Miami.


Lucy, Model in Miami!
But apparently, Lucy hit the pot of fag-gold at the end of the gay rainbow. OK, I admit, I'm jealous, I wouldn't mind playing the beard, de-gaying a rich fag. So if you are a rich fag, and need a faux girlfriend, and are very, very generous, hit my email.

fatfuck's alive!

Many of you have asked, and I appreciate everyone's concern, that yes, fatfuck survived his quadruple bypass surgery. Although, I'm sure mrs. fatfuck is crying over the will and life insurance policies, dammit dammit dammit.

So now fatfuck has been given the proverbial new lease on life. What I don't know is, when he will be up for ballkicking. I doubt I'll be able to walk on him again like a rug, as I'm sure his chest couldn't take 105 lbs of compression where it was cracked open. But I'm sure there are other flavors of amusement and abuse fatfuck will be able to enjoy or endure once his doctor says he can 'resume sexual activities'. Little does fatfuck's doctor know what those 'sexual activities' will be....

Evil Minds Think Alike

Nicole and I were lamenting over our disappearing realtime slaves when talk turned to who, in fantasy, no make that IN REALITY, we would like to make our complete bitches. You know, make them: kiss ass, lick feet, put in panties, run errands, clean the condo, walk the dog and scoop the poop (ok the latter applies to Nicole's shihtzu).

We both came up with the same trio of bitches! The annoying freecreditreportdotcom bandboys! Too bad they are all the way up in Quebec, yeah, I mean OUI, those French Canadian wimps need dominant bitches like us to completely control them and take their Canadian dollars!

The Mystery and Dilemma of Disappearing Slaves

First the toad hops away, then Nicole loses josephine. Both were lost to pussies, yes they started dating! How dare they! Nicole's slave Abe the Jeweler went senile and his family now keeps him locked away. Slave idiot is off the puppet stage right now, sobbing over his Amex bill. This, after Nicole pulled his strings for more goodies. Then her slave known as poolboy was supposed to be in town the first week of May for biz and play and she's sure he did hit town, but didn't get in touch with her and is avoiding her. Fucker.

I can't even recount how many slaves I scared away, one with my strap-on who ran off to Boston, or claimed he did, and changed his cell phone number to 617 to reflect that he left SoFlo and hit Mass, but I guess cellular companies can assign different cell numbers with a Beyonce finger-snap, so I think he was just cloaking. Because Ember thought she saw him at the Sagamore, while he was supposed to be in Beantown.

And now fatfuck is supposed to have quadruple bypass surgery. He says I seem to be more concerned about him than his wife. Go figure that. She's probably counting the beans that will spill her way, if he doesn't make it after they crack open his chest like a lobster. Me, I'm counting the beans I would lose.... Anyway, Nicki is back in town soon, sometime at the end of this month. She wants to re-appropriate fatfuck from me, but it looks like he'll be out of ballkicking commission for a while.