Dinner at Mama Toad's

As I had written in a past post, I was dreading an appearance for dinner at Mama Toad's place. What better way to start your week than undergoing the Spanish Inquisition as conducted by Mama Toad. The dinner gathering featured Mama Toad, toad, Tia Maria and yours truly. Thankfully Mercedes the Witch & Co. was not present. My appearance fee for this special event was $300, but I should have charged more since it involved a grueling interrogation. In fact, after we left, I smacked toad in the car and told him he was STILL not doing a good job convincing his family that our love was real.

My interrogation garb: I wore a long blue sarong style print skirt, wedgie heels and a light blue top and kept my make-up minimal, no perfume. Mama Toad wasted no time in starting her interrogation as I was sure, haha, she had one of those hidden earpieces and Mercedes was feeding her questions.

So, how did you and toad meet, I have forgotten since the wedding?

Did you notice toad first, or did he notice you?

Did someone formally introduce you or did you introduce yourselves?

Did you start dating right away?

How long have you been dating?

And your Mother is from Venezuela, but your father is American?

(My Mother isn't from Venezuela, but this was the only Latin American country toad could think of, where Mama Toad knew no one who either lived there or emigrated from there)

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At this point of the Inquisition, toad should begged told his mama to zip the boca. But he just sat there, so pathetico, so docile, while I vomited responses. Rehearsed I might add, since I had anticipated all of them for the wedding event, and had an intuition that some might rise again at Mama Toad's dinner. I began thinking of escape routes. Perhaps I could tell Mama Toad that her wimp-of-a-son is my slave and see what type of reaction she would have. Although I could picture Tia Maria laughing at this and saying something like: All men are slaves to women. Tia Maria was the only one in the room with any sense of humor, this was certainly amplified by the rum & cokes she was drinking.

So I finally sighed, acted tired, and said: So many questions, I'm exhausted. Did toad tell you that my doctor said I am suffering from exhaustion? A long pause. Then Tia Maria said something: Yes you too skinny girl. I was a skinny girl. Look I had babies! Look now old! I added: Yes, everyone including toad tells me I'm too skinny, that I need some 'meat on my bones'. Tia Maria said something again: Yes men meat. No gusta skinny girls bones. Tia Maria at least made an attempt to speak English to me. And on that note, toad and his mamacita begin barreling along en Espanol. I was just so fed up with their doing this in front of me. I tapped toad's arm. Excuse me, but could you translate, I feel so left out of these conversations and you haven't taught me enough Spanish (on top of my classes.) Toad says: Sorry sorry sorry, three times, as if once was not enough. Mamacita got up and began to serve dinner. She and Tia Maria had spent a lot of time on this dinner, I could tell, since I know when my Mother does the same, and I tried to be a good dinner guest, I really did. But you could have cut the tension in the air with a dull knife. Something was not right in Little Havana. I didn't know till later what that was.

After slapping toad in the car, he announced. My mother thinks you are too young for me and that you will just leave me for a younger man. Is that all, I asked?

Well, she thinks you might just be using me for my money.

What money, I yell. You don't even have any!

The money I'm going to have when I sell my real estate.

Chump change, toad, chump change. There are other men in Miami with far more money, who I could fuck for more money than you could ever hope to have.

I told her I met you before anything was happening with the real estate. She thinks I should find a woman in her mid-30's who might have a child or two already. A Cuban woman. Who might be happy with the life she would have with me and not want more. She thinks you would leave me because you would want more than I could give. She thinks you are probably too much for me to handle.

I am too much for you to handle, you're so pathetic. You're not even a good boyfriend. You have conversations like this in front of me, how rude, how rude of you toad, and how rude of your mother.

Toad looked like he was going to cry. We were having a huge fight, and I think he thought he might lose me because I was angry at him, but I also think he was feeling the pressure of Mama Toad and Mercedes to dump me. In favor of what, going back to his lonely toad hole? In favor of them continuing to control him and get what they wanted from him, which in Mercedes' case, would be extracting money from him and cuckolding her brother? What happened to Mama Toad siding with me in the case of Mercedes? So much going on behind the scenes, obviously, Mercedes' miasmal influence on everyone, because she perceives she has more to lose, than I have to gain.

Clearly, putting in personal appearances was no longer productive. I was just fuel, throwing myself onto their flames. And this elaborate charade was enervating me beyond anything I can compare. I could only tell myself I needed to hang in to get the money from toad for my tuition, hang in. I was so pissed when I got home that I called a few friends to see who was out and about, and headed to a club. Monday nites aren't big party nites, but I needed this time out from dealing with the toad. And I did forget about him and his miserable family, if only for a few hours. Slaves can get into your head, and sometimes the price they pay you, isn't worth having them there.