The toad List

Giving toad an assignment...either he hops on it right away (hehe 'hops') or it takes him forever because he anguishes over it and complains till I lose my temper and yell at him. Maybe he likes it that way. Maybe the negative attention, my awareness and contempt of his procrastination is some kind of toad turn-on.

In any case, the assignment he had been 'dilly-dallying' with, my one grandmother used to love that saying, was to make a list of things toad would like to experience with me, with the dollar offer of how much he'd be willing to pay to make each of them happen. These indulgences were supposed to be actualized when his rental property went to settlement, meaning that he'd have a larger amount of disposable cash to play with then.

He gave me his list, in an envelope no less, over dinner on Thursday nite, a dinner for which he was paying for my presence. I do have to add that when I go out to dinner with the toad, I spend a lot of toad's money: appetizer, salad, entree, dessert, libation sensations, coffee, etc. But as you can tell from my size 0 - size 2 body, I tend to pick at my food. Nevertheless, I like choices to 'pick at'. For extra humiliation, I make the server doggie-box my scraps and give them to toad to take home. I tell him he must eat everything at lunch the next day, not to let the food go to waste, that if I ever catch him throwing anything out, he will be in toad trouble.

He promises he does. But I've never checked.

So he gives me the envelope with his list inside and asks: Aren't you going to look at it. Not now, I tell him. Later, when I have time.

So I collect my $100 dinner date appearance fee and jet. Call around to frends to see if anyone is out. I want to read the toad list, but I don't want to read it alone. Where are your friends when you desperately need them?

I don't reach anyone live, so I pull over in a supermercado parking lot to review the list and whaaaaa????? the fuck??????

His list consists of this:

1. Kiss you $300

2. Kiss your pussy $500

3. Sleep in same bed all night, no sex $500 (sorry if I snore)

4. See your breasts $200

I want to tear up this fricking list. I am so fuming mad. I am dialing out on my cell to reach the fucking squished blenderized toad twat when I see my sister's number is trying to ring thru.

She knew the list was in process, so I tell her I finally have the list and that it sucks the lameness cock beyond belief. She says, why are you so surpised? It's the toad. I tell her: First, he only has 4 things, only 4? And he is cheap on everything. And how can he even think I would ever sleep in the same zip code as him for the whole nite....

My sister laughs as I read the list. Well you just need to mark it up and give it back to him. My sister is right. I need a red sharpie marker! Luckily, the supermercado has a little office supply section, and I find a red sharpie as I continue to chat with my sister about everything that sisters chat about, including what I am going to do with the toad.

1. Kiss you -- I tell her my evil plan. It is really a suggestion from another friend who said to just spit in his mouth as our first kiss. And tell him that's all any man is left with after a kiss, so enjoy it. And also castigate him for the low price, that I am insulted, so a spit-kiss is all he gets.

2. Kiss my pussy -- With toad, one can never be sure if he means just a kiss or to lick me till I squirm and fake an orgasm, so I will just assume he means 'kiss' for this price, and maybe I should squirt some piss on him as he kisses it, telling him that's what happens when I get excited

3. Tell him there is no way I can sleep near a snoring troll who will ruin my beauty sleep. He can sleep on his sofa downstairs and I will sleep in the guest room and I will lock the door and break out my earplugs. This may not be a bad thing, because hopefully I can engineer that his mother or sister will see my car there in the morning somehow, to think that toad and I actually spend nites together. I will make him take me on a 'date' before the sleepover, so I'll get $ from the date too.

4. See my breasts. My sister said for that price he can either see a pic or see them for like 2 seconds. I said that if I give him a pic he will amuse himself with it or wank to it when he's unlocked and I don't want him to have such wankable material. The only pics he has of me are totally g-rated.

Also, I must tell him he is so pathetic, he must come up with more ideas or else. So I put the marked up list back in the torn envelope and tape it back shut and mark it PERSONAL. I drop it at his office the next day with the receptionist and ask if she can make sure he gets it. Who cares what she thinks it is or if she holds it up to the halogen light on her desk and tries to reach thru the envelope and can read my redlining and corrections.

Toad calls me in a few minutes and sounds very upset. I'm so sorry, he keeps saying. I tell him: You're goddamn lucky I didn't read your pathetic list in the restaurant, because I would have slapped you right then and there. Not only is your list a piece of shit, it is that lame, toad, but you completely forgot our anniversary! Anniversary, he asks?

Yes, we have been dating for 3 months!!!! Now I didn't do the math, it could be more that 3 months, but I was waiting for the right moment to spring him with yet another relationship sin.