HOW the toad MET MY MOTHER

I believe it was a life-changing event for the toad. I don't think he had ever met a girl's mother before, meaning the loser had never gotten to that crucial point in a relationship. He truly believes I am his girlfriend. Certain subtle or not-so-subtle things reinforce this for him, I went to a wedding with him as his girlfriend, I date him (well he pays me, but....), and add to the list, meeting my Mother....

What happened was, we (make that he) had to get a wedding gift for his cousin. I saw on the wedding gift wish list, a chimenea, one of those chimney-looking thingies people put on their patios, to sit out at nite, light a fire, take the chill out of the air. My Mom had one on her balcony, a gift from her ex-boyfriend, she never used it because it was against her condo assoc. rules to use one, due to the potential smoke, and I assume fire hazard. So I told toad he had to buy it from my Mom, carry it out to his car without dropping it and embarrassing me. Told him that my Mom's ex-boyfriend was far more manly and strong, and had carried it in bla bla bla. So my Mom made a few hundred out of the deal.

But it did mean I had to talk to my Mom about the toad. Oh you and your sister and your slaves....But she was amped about getting $ for something useless to her and getting rid of something her ex-bf gave her.

Toad was sooo nervous about meeting my Mom, and he sweats when he's nervous. My Mom took delight in torturing me while we were there, being overly gracious to the point where I wanted to puke. She showed toad pics of me and my sister growing up. She gave him a glass of lemonade (apropos if it were piss). She talked about how glad she was I was dating a mature man who had accomplished something in life rather than those young jerks I usually dated. My Mother did some acting when she was younger (Miami Vice), and she was clearly enjoying this.

Toad then had to carry the chimenea out to the car. It struck me while he was carrying it, the chimenea is a phallic symbol! It looked like he was carrying a huge penis!!! How perfect. And fuck me I didn't have a camera.

Toad asked if he could tell his mother and sister that he met my Mom and I said, of course. I could just picture the look on their faces (utter disbelief?) when he told them he had met my Mother.