Nice Femurs

My girlfriends and I all have ads on various websites trolling for either slaves or sugar daddies. It's like the next thing you do after setting up your Myspace and Facebook. Recently, I had an inquiry from a guy named John from Denver. So for the sake of simplicity, I shall call him John Denver.

Well, John Denver wanted me to spend a week with him where I would just basically whip his ass for being worthless. It seems that he inherited lots of family funds and assets including cattle ranches, but felt that he didn't deserve them. He claimed to be 40 (I suspected he was older), never married, and the only expectation his family now had of him, was to produce an heir. Is this beginning to sound like The Tudors on HBO?

So I chatted with John via email, IM and finally Niteflirt. I should mention he had sent me quite a few Amazon gift certs to cover my time and capture my attention. He wanted to set up a week of torture and delight somewhere in the Caribbean, my choice and my price. I figured, to vet him and see if he really did have the cash that he claimed to have, that our rendez-vous should be on the island of Mustique. Mustique is a private island, only accessible to the extremely wealthy. When I advised him of my choice, he said, no problem, his travel agent would make the arrangements.

What is the old adage, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is? There was another story running concurrent to my John Denver story. It would seem that John Denver was also romancing one of my friends. But since she was looking for a sugar daddy and not a slave, the context of what he was asking of her was completely different. Being an attention whore, she spent countless hours chatting with him on the phone while he serenaded her with cowboy songs strumming his ole gee-tar. She was hoping to extract some money from him, in a more traditional sugar daddy sense, because she is blonde and hot and entitled. Little did we know we were talking to the same guy. I told her this guy John from Denver wanted to take me to Mustique. She said this guy John from Denver wanted to be her Sugar Daddy! But then things got weird, because he confessed what he really wanted was to become a Daddy, for her to produce a baby, was willing to pay a large sum of $$$ but she would have to give the baby up to him and a nanny to raise!!! Of course she freaked out, who wouldn't.

So I knew it was time to cut off John Denver. A few weeks after I told him to 'vamoose', he sent an email, which I shall share with you:

Sara too bad we didnt connect I had a lot goin on u still get me I look at yr pictures all the time maybe u will change yr mind??? nice femurs. I keep looking cant find another like u, I'll pay more??? John

"Nice femurs" WTF!!! I felt like I had been turned into some breeder who had superior genes with whom he would want to mate his prize livestock. Do they judge cattle based on femurs? Ewwww. It literally made me ill. What would have happened to me in Mustique? Would I have gone there thinking I'll be kicking his balls and using him as a spittoon for a week, but instead I would have been drugged with GHB and kept imprisoned till impregnated?

Perhaps I am exaggerating, but perhaps not. There are very, very strange men on the internet with very, very strange agendas. How to stay safe? Remain in my high rise apartment castle and only let down my hair to the right Prince?